I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Randomize
