Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
