I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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