So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
