tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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