I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
