I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
COCAINE IS GR8
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
