can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
