I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
