What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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