Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
