I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
my liver is dry heaving
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
