My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
