Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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