I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
