What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
