Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize