i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize