So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
