I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
