It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
me + whiskey = a bad person
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i out mim tonsoeep
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