There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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