i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize