I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
