Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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