but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
