i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
