By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
