Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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