Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
