I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
