The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
