So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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