I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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