Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize