you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
