i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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