All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
