I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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