i don't plan on having that self control this summer
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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