I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
