he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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