We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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