Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
