So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
