Please, let me fuck your mom
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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