I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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