mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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