so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
PANTIES FOUND
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize