First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
