His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
