it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We need to get me chipped asap
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
