You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
