My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
