What a fucking waste of an outfit
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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