I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
