I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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