i need an iv and a liver transplant
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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